Interlude I

If you were to ask an ex girlfriend, she’d tell you we reason broke up is because  I couldn’t stop chasing women.

She’d tell you I was in need of some sort of validation from those women. She’d tell you that even when I had everything, it wouldn’t be enough. She’d tell you the women from my past have “ruined me”. They’d call me detached, that I think I’m better than everyone.

But that’s the defense mechanism you build when the world constantly tries to belittle you. You still need love so you seek attention, but it’s misguided. You mistake sex for affection. And when the sex isn’t fulfilling the void, you keep fucking, hoping the next badder bitch is all that’s missing. But the next badder bitch only makes it worse, because she won’t stay. She can’t stay. No one can. You’ve become so guarded and cynical that you secretly don’t want them to stay. You self sabotage every relationship, healthy or not. Then because your motivations are subconscious, you don’t realize that’s what you’re doing, so you play victim and cry when they leave. But it’s what you were asking for the whole time. As depressed as you get when it happens, you like it that way. Anything to avoid intimacy. Anything to distract from the root cause of the conflict within.

But why?

With my father not living with us anymore and my mom always at work, I was alone. My grandma babysat but the streets raised me. What I needed was love.

The power structure of the world, the media, and psychologists hired by their marketing teams, they understand this need in all of us. And they exploit it. They sell us dreams of love being obtained through the material realm, through possessions and physical desires. But we’re being manipulated, and in turn we we’re becoming manipulative.

These ideas I’m discussing, my parents didn’t have the resources to combat.  They were too busy paying bills to philosophize freedom. But because I spent so much time alone, I had the luxury to question.

Now I have answers.